Thank you to Melissa Mowry whose inspiring note prompted me to rescue this jewel and dust it off to share with you.
The End of Seeking, aka The Light at the End of the Tunnel
A woman met a man she didn't want to meet.
She liked him. She saw in him a burning light.
From deep within, a feeling unbidden
overwhelmed the woman. The feeling
frightened her. How could this be from the
sight of the light in the man she didn't want
to meet? The woman sat still. A memory of a
far-off awakening came to her, and remembering
the beauty, the awe and the wonder, her fear
left. The man talked on, unaware. His flame
burned bright in the night. - O.J. Barré
Written September 13, 2009
This poem is from my personal library, and was penned painstakingly one February, years ago. I was early in recovery in AA, stinging from a long weekend in Hilton Head with my wonderful, but alcoholic mother, who'd spent the entire weekend whining about anything and everything in general, but mostly about me in particular.
There was a man in my life who was a member of Al-Anon, the sister organization to AA. Though I was sober in AA, I had no defense against my mother's drinking, nor against her tongue when she was drinking.
That man introduced me to Al-Anon, where my recovery continued and grew.
It's been almost nineteen years since I started this long road of recovery. Over that time, I have peeled away one layer at a time, doing personal inventories, making amends, clearing up wreckage, and learning to say no. Then learning to say yes. I've spent countless hours in AA meetings, Al-Anon, group therapy, individual therapy, motivational seminars, ashrams, self-help books, meditation, walks in nature, journaling, writing, thinking, feeling, being, sleeping, reading, dreaming, changing... one cell, one breath, one heartbeat at a time.
I've had good teachers. The best. And I'm a good student.
But there was always another.
And another.
Today, that came to a rather abrupt halt. I even heard the "eeerrrrrkkkkkkkk!" It was a peculiar sensation. Rather like being slammed against a concrete wall.
The wall at the end.
Now, for my sister and fellow seekers still out there: Have you ever wondered how you'd know when you reached the end of your long search? I don't think I ever even pondered the question. Now, here I am. At the end. And knowing it.
"What's at the end?" you ask.
The light. The light that burns bright, even in the night.
The big surprise? There's no surprise at all. It’s what every weary seeker must find.
Interestingly, I don't feel cheated. Not at all. Instead, I feel deep gratitude. And relief. And not just a little silly.
So, I bow to my divine, to that burning light within me.
Baba Muktananda advised, "Honor your Self. Worship your Self. Meditate upon your Self. God dwells within you as you." Tonight, more than ever before, I know what Baba meant.
So, thank you to my teachers. I love, respect, and appreciate you more than you may ever know.
And, thank you to Karen Anderson, Angelic Intuitive, whose loving Spirit allowed me to find THE END.
That Rebel, Olivia/O.J. Barré
From my heart to yours, Olivia/O. J.❤️
P.S. If you enjoy my weekly essays from the heart, you might also enjoy my fiction. Read the previews I’ve linked below.
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